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Blog.

TRAIN CHASING.

Kaylee Page

Oh Doc, I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to do it. You know, like when Bella won’t keep up with me. We’re walking to the park and she just won’t keep up. I find myself saying… One. Two. Bella, One. I’m going to count to three. One. Two. One. Onne. Twooo. BELLA!  And I try to explain to her that we only have so much time to get to the park before dark. I try. But then I explode. I get impatient. I don’t know how to get her to move.

Why do you have to get to the park?  She just wants you! Doc replied.

(HE GOT ME...AGAIN!)

Because it’s my workout, Doc! My voice fully confident in what I was confessing as if to say “But Doc, it’s about me, don’t you already know this!!” Doc provided me with a gracefilled chuckle for my honesty. 

I was recently having a conversation with a friend about the type of woman I'm trying to be. How I once heard beauty drawn into a comparison as such: That sometimes the most beautiful woman is the eighty-six year old who you just want to be around and that the most un-beautiful woman is the thirty-something mom bustling her way through life so hurried.

My friend noted that this woman I'm talking about trying to be has eloquence and poise. He then read me this excerpt from Black Swan:

I once received a piece of life-changing advice, which I find applicable, wise, and empirically valid. My classmate in Paris, the novelist-to-be Jean-Olivier Tedesco, pronounced, as he prevented me from running to catch a subway, “I don’t run for trains.”

Snub your destiny. I have taught myself to resist running to keep on schedule. This may seem a very small piece of advice, but it registered. In refusing to run to catch trains, I have felt the true value of elegance and aesthetics in behavior, a sense of being in control of my time, my schedule, and my life. Missing a train is only painful if you run after it!

You have far more control over your life if you decide on your criterion by yourself. You always control what you do; so make this your end.

I asked my friend to email this passage to me. When he did he included this in his email: Life is a journey of discovering yourself and sharing your time with people who love you for yourself – as is. Don’t run to keep up with other’s schedules. Loving yourself and being comfortable with who you are is the first step toward loving others. 

Eloquence and Poise. I like those words. There is a certain charm and depth to them. I want to work at owning them as words that someone might consider chiseling on my tombstone some day. And I want to love myself enough to not be in a hurry. I want to live a slow, full, present life. 

You guys, the park. It was about me. It’s often about me. So much. Too much. So I’m learning. Each day. To ask and remind myself why I have to “get to the park” and that “all she wants is me.” And it makes me a MUCH better mom. I’m not sure if it makes my pants fit any better. But a good mom. A loving mom. A mom not chasing trains!

Today, may we live an un-hurried life. May we we not stand with arms reaching out for that which is not but stand with arms relaxed; hands positioned to accept and embrace the now. To receive instead of reach, right?  It is there that we live and move and have our being.