You’re still having trouble trusting the process, Doc noted.
Well yeah I am, because I don’t even know what that means, I thought the moment he said it and the many months that followed.
Move or Move Me, I recently prayed. This prayer is the exact same prayer I’ve said a million times over the years. I used to picture this prayer like I was standing in line to get into a high-end, elite-in-status, night club and God was the bouncer; his steroid-enhanced arms crossed over his big puffy chest staring down at me in disappointment as if I had the audacity to ask if I could come in.
This prayer, as I saw it, had two options:
MOVE. I would tell God to move; to get out of my way. I’d push and push against Bouncer-God, like maybe I had strong enough muscles in my 5’5 stature to push over the creator of the universe. He was the roadblock standing in the way of what I wanted. And if he didn’t move, I’d try real hard with my ninja-like-skills to sneak under his radar and sneakily do my plans anyways. But he has ninja-skills too and he’d always catch me by the waist and set me back in line to wait. I stood pissed and impatient, pounding my fists against his fixated body.
MOVE ME. I’d tell God that if for some random reason he knew better than me he had my permission to pick me up and drop me off somewhere. I pictured Bouncer –God hoisting me over his shoulder, my arms and legs flailing in protest, and placing me in the back of the line. Like I wasn’t welcome. Like I didn’t even really belong in line asking to be let in to the show. Like I should just go home, alone and unworthy.
I’ll move you.
Or you kick me out.
Those were my options.
And they were both options that lacked a belief in a loving compassionate God. And so this year, as I began to learn what it meant to be kind to myself, to be patient, I found myself praying the Move or Move Me prayer but this time, there was another altogether entirely different way I viewed it. I gave myself permission to not have it figured out. I gave myself patience, telling myself that my loving Father had me in his hands and he would bring me through it to a place of beauty. That I didn’t have to make a decision right away or even know the right answer in that specific moment. That his gift to me was that I got to give it to him. So I did. I recently gave God something. And I’ve watched him slowly unravel and reveal something more beautiful than I could have ever imagined.
A friend shared with me a hard relationship she’s in and the difficulty of letting it go. I shared my Move or Move Me prayer. A prayer, an invitation, for God to deliver her in his timing. That part of her wrestling with the relationship had purpose. It was doing something. Part of her pain and sorrow was intricately connected to her finding parts of herself and in turn, growing. God operates outside of time and so there is no shame in not having it all figured out or having it all together right now. He is our help, our deliverer, our story-teller.
I think this is what Doc meant so many months ago. That we can fight it. We can shame ourselves for not being strong enough (to stop the addiction, to know the answer right away, to not being able to change how we feel about something) or we can trust that everything happening is intended.
Another friend recently shared her husband wants to move… AGAIN. And it’s been a lot of moves over a few years and so my friend is feeling overwhelmed. They both want to find home soon but haven’t yet.
And so, say it with me, Move or Move Me.
Here, this prayer says we don’t know where home is. We don’t know if it is to move or not (literally!) But we do know that God loves both my friend and her husband. We do know he has plans to prosper them, not to place them in the back of the line waiting to get in. By allowing God to move it actually allows more love between my friend and her husband because it’s not about my friend moving her husband’s desires, or her husband moving hers.
It’s like God told us to trust him so that we could love others better. When he’s in it, it’s so free and beautiful and full of so much possibility. It’s about creating space to honor that which we don’t yet know. We don’t know here home is. So we just stand with open arms, not knowing the answer. And being okay not knowing. We entrust it. We understand that we don’t need to force or control it for it’s already working itself out. He’s always moving, it’s just if we have but eyes to see it.
Why have a late night fight about what we don’t yet know!
I’m confident God has plans for my friend and her husband. For my friend and her relationship. BIG plans. And those plans have very little to do with waiting to get through the line or not. They have everything to do with the process.
We stand with open arms, heart aware we only know what we know today, not yet tomorrow. And we get sorta excited for what might be revealed in itty bitty steps each day. The mountains move. In fact, they tremble and shake before their Creator. Mountains ALWAYS move. We can trust that. The process, the feelings, the wrestling – those shape us. Maybe we start learning how to enjoy the mountains. Like maybe the mountains are the journey to breathtaking views.
Now to you, today maybe you are wrestling with something or a whole lot of things and they are scary and you feel like you need to figure it all out. Or maybe you want to force it out. Maybe you carry shame thinking that if you were just strong enough you could change your mountain.
May you feel so much peace and love today. May you be kind to yourself. May you give yourself permission to NOT have it figured out today. May you see a Father God not a Bouncer God; a God whose hands stand outstretched in our most desperate need not crossed over his chest. A God who has the whole world in his hands and who never planned on dropping you or letting you slip through the cracks. He’s got it all covered, all figured out, far ahead of time – in fact, even before time began.
May you sit in his great love for he is indeed a Good-Good Father.
And then listen to the songs below, K?
Grace + Peace.